If you buckle too much in search of other people’s approval, one day you may break.
Why it’s not always good to want to be liked?
Wanting to be liked is perfectly normal. Man is a social creature, so it is important to him what others think of him. And it is much nicer if they love him, appreciate and praise him, and do not roll their eyes at his appearance. By the way, if you are looking for a strong relationship, christian online dating site will help you with it.
But sometimes in their striving to be good for everyone, people go too far and lose themselves. They try so hard to be liked that they push back their desires, opinions, and plans. It’s a great way to become comfortable with others. But a rather bad way to a happy and harmonious life. Because if you spend all your time worrying about the opinion of others, for yourself it will not remain at all.
How to understand that the desire to be liked is excessive?
Here are a few signs that should be alerted.
1. The person is afraid to say “no
It seems that there is nothing easier than to refuse. For many of us over the years, this skill atrophies under the influence of society, upbringing, and other things.
A child, for example, knows very well what he wants and – more importantly – what he doesn’t want. Sometimes his desires can be dangerous, so his behavior is moderated by his parents. But they, too, often make choices in favor of the sympathies of others rather than the comfort of the child. Say, forcing him to cuddle with his aunt, play with the unpleasant offspring of friends, and wear “decent” clothes to get approval. And children gradually learn that other people’s opinions are more important than their desires.
As an adult, a person goes to the same aunt’s house for lunch to get a portion of rudeness and violation of boundaries, and agrees to take a friend’s closet down from the seventh floor – and not together, but instead of him. All this to stay on good terms with these people.
2. He calls compromise a compromise.
It is thought that compromise is the best way to get around controversial points. This is questionable, because, in such a situation, both concede, which means neither party is happy.
However, it can be worse: the person believes that it is necessary to adjust to the other to improve the relationship. But only he does so. Although in normal interaction, all those involved must be flexible.
The person laughs at offensive jokes.
The situation with jokes is complicated. There are entire companies where humor is built on teasing its members. Or people in a tight circle allow themselves to laugh about any subject without feeling any hatred for the objects of the punches.
Jokes, on the other hand, can be not inoffensive. A simple example: quite a few people think that the natives of Chukotka are sly and shallow. They have never seen a Chukchi, but they have heard many jokes about them. It also happens that a group of friends only seems to be teasing each other. They make fun of one another.
And it is always a bargain: make fun of everyone (including tolerating outbursts in their direction) to be accepted, or not participate in the bacchanal of insults. The former is usually easier but can be devastating to self-esteem.
4. Advises her surroundings on everything.
There is nothing wrong with finding out what people think about a particular situation. An outsider’s view can illuminate aspects of the problem that were hitherto invisible and help you make a decision. Another thing is that the final word rests with the individual.
5. He radically changes his opinion because of someone else’s disapproval.
It is normal to change one’s opinion from time to time. A person gains experience over the years, explores new arguments, and can make a 180-degree turn in his/her way. An alarming signal is when he “shifts” constantly depending on who said what next to him instead of relying on his thoughts.
6. The person is afraid of burdening those around him
Not being able to ask for help, to refuse it if it is offered – there can be many reasons for such a position. One of them is an unwillingness to bother anyone. Although someone’s assistance can often make life a lot easier.
7. Afraid to assert your rights and boundaries
When someone trespasses on your territory, he is hardly enthusiastic about fighting back. Many people find people who won’t let you wipe their feet very unpleasant. And so sometimes a person chooses to be patient, to remain silent, to not notice. If he does so often, he runs the risk of getting on his neck.
8. He measures his success by other people’s evaluations.
Building self-esteem on the foundation of other people’s opinions is a lost cause. People are too different, and their opinion is not objective. If you focus only on their praise and advice, there is a great risk of going the wrong way.
What to do to cope with the problem
You have to be prepared for the fact that it will not be solved by a snap of the fingers, you have to work on it. Here are a few tips that may help.
Don’t blame yourself
Of course, you can stand up and say, “Why, it’s the man’s fault for trying to please everyone. Is it hard to say no and take responsibility for your life?” But that’s not fair, because we are all pebbles that have been given one shape or another by the waves of time and circumstance. But we can take a young sculptor’s kit and finish ourselves off on our own.
You’ll need them in many situations. For example, before agreeing to something, slow down and think: what is the best solution for you? Before asking for advice, formulate your point of view on the matter of interest.
Focus on the rational, not the emotional
Tangible indicators and fulcrums will help you be less swayed by other people’s opinions. For example, a colleague insists that you should help him with a work task. You can go for emotion and agree. Or you can evaluate your task list for the week and realize that nothing else will fit into it.
To assert your boundaries, you need to clearly understand where those boundaries pass. Also, know what your opinion is on a particular issue, what your desires are, and so on.
Start moving gradually.
The long road starts with small steps. Today says no. Tomorrow makes it clear that you are offended by the ridicule of you. The day after tomorrow, ask the person in line not to stand so close to you. All these little things will help you feel that it is possible to be uncomfortable for others and it does not spoil your life. But it gives you a lot of bonuses that make you feel free.